Damn bulimia. My teeth are ruined and since I'm on disability with no insurance, not that dental insurance is any good anyway, I can't usually afford dental work. I have had my mom pay for some things that were absolutely necessary, like when my two front teeth broke off and I HAD to have them fixed. I looked like Dracula, no kidding, they had broken off into the shape of fangs! Dreadful.

I was in the midst of a binge and a tooth, one on the bottom, broke. It had cracked down the middle. Painful. And, worst of all, I couldn't finish my binge, it hurt too much. So I took a pair of plyers and pulled the thing out. It bled like crazy for a while, but then all was good. I finished my binge and purged. Now I have a hole where the tooth was. It doesn't show, so it's no big deal. The dentist would have charged like $300 to pull it, no way! It was hurting really bad so I figured I could live with this pain until I could afford the dentist, or I could have intense pain for about a minute or two (while I pulled it out) and then be fine. I chose the latter and it worked out. It did hurt like hell while I pulled it out, but then no more pain. What a relief.

I've been so ambivalent about this eating disorder that I couldn't even write anything. I just don't know what to do about it. I want out of this life. I hate the eating disorder, but I love it too. I know it doesn't make sense...I mean, how could anybody love something that hurts them, right? In the moment, the moment when I'm feeling such overwhelming emotion that I think I will die, I don't think about the negative consequences of the e.d. I just want the feelings to go away and the ed will do just that. I can resume my feeling of numbness which is a whole lot better that feeling like I'm going to die.

I do go back and forth. One minute I want recovery and think about how to do it and two minutes later I'm planning my next binge. My head and my thoughts suck. It's like part of me wants recover and another part doesn't and they are in a constant battle. I'm stuck in the middle not knowing what to do so I just give in to whomever is stronger in that moment. It's making me crazy. Honestly, I do feel crazy. I met with my therapist yesterday and she does try to help but it's not enough. I feel like I need to be locked up for about a year without any way to starve or binge and purge.

Don't remember most of my childhood. My memory is pretty sketchy for my teenage years as well. I do know I purged for the first time when I was fifteen. I don't know how I figured out how to do that. I told my mom what I was doing and she told me it was my problem; we never spoke of it again. I also had/have self harm. From head banging, cutting, burning, bruising, infecting myself, swallowing things (like a sewing needle), and so on. I don't understand this about myself. I hate the scars I have. I have permanant damage due to self injury and have had 7 surgeries because of it. If this isn't enough, I also deal with depression (had 3 suicide attemps) and dissociation, which is really scary. I've been on countless meds and have even had ECT (electric shock therapy) which saved my life.

I don't have friends....can't because of the eating disorder. I don't date because I know I can't have lasting relationships. Whenever I've tried, I have flashbacks of abuse when I become physically intimate. It sucks. I find that the longer I isolate myself, the scarier is feels to me when I go out in public or speak to people. Everything just gets worse as time goes by. I want so much from life, but feel stuck because I get so overwhelmed.

Recovery seems so far away right now. It's not even something I can grasp in my mind. You know what though, I don't even feel bad about that. I was able to shop this morning for binge food and I have enough money for food tomorrow, so right now I feel pretty good.

I just don't want to feel horrible and b/p takes care of that. I just don't feel anything when I'm engaging in my behaviors. I am feeling a bit anxious though because after tomorrow I don't know what I'll do. With no money and no food I'm bound to fall into a deep depression. And I know from experience I'll not be able to sleep tomorrow night because my mind will be obsessed about how to get more money. It's a constant battle in my head.

What's so strange for me right now is that I don't even care about losing weight. Typically, I feel better when my weight is really low but right now I just don't care. I think if I was more concerned about my weight it would be easier to get into the anorexia. When I'm binging and purging, I maintain my weight, but with the anorexia I can lose a great deal, not that I need to because I'm already underweight.

So I'm supposed to be trying to get into and stay in recovery from my eating disorders; yeah right! I was so depressed yesterday that I couldn't even come here to post. Why was I so depressed? There are times when I feel like I will never be able to get rid of this. Those feelings lead to depression and grief, which, in turn, propels me to binge and purge to get rid of those awful feelings. It is the only thing than I KNOW will get rid of feelings. Circular logic...bad feelings b/c I have an e.d. so I engage in the e.d. to get rid of the bad feelings. By 11:00 a.m. yesterday, I had already consumed a little over 21,000 calories. I stopped counting after that b/c it just makes me feel like a glutton (which I am).

I've already been shopping today for my binge food and I'm now of out money again. When I get my check next Friday I will have to pay back $350.00 to the two payday advance companies that I owe. I don't know what I'm going to do b/c my disability check isn't all that much. I will have to think up a sob story to tell my mom so she'll give me some money. I hate that too. I lie all the time to get money. Like, I'll tell her that I have to go to the doctor for "whatever I make up" so she'll give me money. I've also told her that my electric bill was $100 higher than it actually was so she'll give me money to help me out. I think she probably knows I'm binging and purging but she never says anything. Nothing new there. When I was 15 and told her I had an eating disorder she told me it was my problem and never spoke of it again.

I titled this message as "what the hell" because I want recovery - I know I want recovery - however, I keep doing what I've always done, like shopping for binge food. This is no way to live.